Weather

I guess today there was a bit of wild weather here in the Twin Cities, I , however, was solidly asleep during the entire event, so I am not even sure what did transpire. I do know that when I left for work this evening, that it is quite humid and sticky out tonight, never a good thing for one who comes from a family that is part "polar-bear" and prefers it to be on the cool side. So, that is what is new tonight, just a quick post.

Is the ride over yet? I wanna get off...

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Sometimes I think I am the only one who does. I see all these shiny happy people going about their lives seemingly oblivious to everything or anyone around them, except what you can do for them, and frankly, I am kind of sick of it. I still believe in the innate kindness in people, but as I get older, I lose a little more of that belief every year.I work with a bunch of people who seem to only be here to punch a timecard and collect a check. So, there you have it, my views tonight...pretty grim, I know, but that is my feelings today.

Weird Dreams

So, I have been having this reaccuring dream for awhile now, and talked to my therapist about it this past session, and he suggested that in an attempt to ferrett out the meaning of it, I write it down, or atleast what I can recall. The major theme of this dream, everytime, is the loss of my teeth. Sometimes they just fall out one by one, sometimes they fall out all at once, and sometimes, it is just one or two, but this last one was the most disgusting of them to date. This time around I recall that I had already lost one of my teeth, the left front canine, and I was just sitting around somewhere, not really sure where, but then I got up to go the bathroom, and then I was at home, in my bathroom, and the other canine tooth broke off, and then I was coughing up all this rotted peices of teeth in huge gobs and I could taste the rotting, and see the rotted brown spots on all the broken teeth, and ofcourse as what usually happens when I try to control my dreams to find the meanings, I woke up and could still feel the emptiness where the teeth had fallen out, but ofcourse, I have not lost any of my teeth yet. So, I am writting this down here in the hopes that maybe when I get home from work in the morning, I can somehow either forget this, or have some kind of meaning revealed to me.

Yeah, I know

It has been a while since my last post. Well, I have been delinquent and I apologize. So, what has been happening? Not much really, hence the lack of postings. Other than bridge collapse earlier this month, not really anything new has happened to me. Well, that is not 100% true. My damn car that my dad has been letting me use, pooped out on me on my way home from work the other morning. Well, in its defense, I did over fill it with oil, but again, my dad did not clearly state how often it should be topped up, I heard him say to do it after every other fill up, and as I am real bad about maintenance on my cars, I assumed it should be filled up, so I did, and well, on the drive home I thought it had started on fire...lots and lots of smoke... I was tasting and smelling smoke all day long. So, I get to move it in the morning on my way home after work tonight, and pay to have it drained.. so, I guess I have learned something this month.. my car sucks ...lol... So until next time... TTFN!!! Xochial

What a week.

I don't know what the hell is up with me, but I feel like I am loosing my mind. I had a very bad end of my week, and my weekend just continued that theme, to the point that I missed two days of work this week because of it. So, I have not been sleeping well the last four days, feel like I need to take some ativan or something, and have to go to work tonight. Well, I guess I will just struggle thru the best that I can. TTFN.

An Ah-ha Moment

Well, I just had one of those moments when something that has been bothering you for awhile, all of a sudden, seems to click in place, and it no longer is troublesome or bothersome. I call it an Ah-ha moment. Many years ago my younger brother was molested by an older step sibling, and I as a young child, did not truly understand what was happening, but was aware that something was wrong, but I have harbored guilt for not sticking up for my younger brother for many, many years. I luckily have had the chance and adults to chat with him about that ugly time, and he has not necessarily forgiven me, but has told me to stop brooding on a past item that I can not change. So, now after 30 plus years, I think I am ready to let this ugly memory become a true memory. I do hope that I can let this go, but if you have ever held onto something for so long, and find it difficult to release, then I think you can understand why I say that. But, for now, I can say with some relief, that I no longer feel responsible for what happened. So, as per usual, TTFN!!! Xochial

Another night at work

So, here I sit, alone listening to the residents mumble on their phones, or stumble around in their rooms, and wonder, why in the hell are they not sleeping!!?? Why in the world, when they have relatively little to worry about, and even less to stress over, are they awake in the middle of the friggin night. I mean, come on, if I was able to sleep all night long, and not have to worry about my rent being paid, or food in the fridge, I would sleep so soundly and deeply that I would not need to take a sleeping pill. But as it is, I do worry about keeping food in my house, paying my rent and all the other bills that comes with being an adult now a days, that when I am not working, I do need to take a sleeping pill just to put my over active mind down so I can sleep. But, onto better and brighter subjects. I do feel better when I write out my frustrations with the world, and my life. It does not make them go away, but help me to put them into perspective and realize that I really dont have it that rough. So, with that thought, I will say TTFN!! Xochial.

I feel so un-included

I was sitting here this morning thinking how much I really dont like living here in the land of frozen asses and grass. There really is no way that I have found yet, to meet people who are not 1:Stuck on themselves. 2:Mean 3:Alcoholic If there is, they have hidden themselvs away were the aforementioned cant find them, and thusly, neither can anyone else. So, I sit here, feeling more and more depressed that I will be single, and alone for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life, the part were I work, I am relativly ok with. I mean, I just go to work, do my time, then go home. I cant really complain to much about that. All I really want is to find a group of friends who are not bitter, jaded and hate the world and everyone around them. Ok, well I am gonna stop there as I can feel my blood pressure rising, and I dont like feeling this angry so early in the morning. TTFN.. Xochial

My musings on ambien

Scared to be alone Scared to admit wekaness Scared to accept emotionally Scared to give emotionally Scared to be in love with someone who is not Scared to open my heart to anyone; friends, family, even myself I dont want to be hurt anymore, or to hurt Love= peace, joy, acceptance, freedom, happiness, sadness, pleasure, pain, comfort, anxiety. I am tired of feeling this trapped. I release all my fears, guilts and doubts to God. I ask him to show me the way to my happiness. This I wrote the other day when I was hopped up on ambien, and do not really remember writting it all down, however, after reading it awake, I realize that I do have alot more to discuss and deal with than I had previously thought I did. So, there is a little into the deepest parts of my Psyche.

Is it over already...

So, another Pride has come and gone. And while some of the faces have changed, most of the activity stays the same. Although, this year was a strange one, never have I seen so many lesbians groping gay men's penises. And the guys were letting them.. .. The parade was less then two hours long, pretty unusual for that event. Did not make it down the park this year, and kind of feel guilty about it, but not sure why. Maybe cuz I kind of really wanted to go. Oh well. Cant change the past. Now I am just waiting until my vacation rolls around, thankfully that is only 10 days away.. whoo hoo... So, until I think of something fun and witty to write, I will say... TTFN!!! Xochial

Sun burn

So, I spent a few hours in my friend Stella' pool yesterday.. even tho the pool is under tree shading and stuff, I still ogt a bit of a burn. Not overly so, but I can feel it. Mostly on my shoulders and arms, a small amount on my face and chest, and a little on my legs. Who knew... I should have ...lol... So, as far as plans for today go, I think I am meeting Stella downtown to watch the parade... not sure about that part tho.. we thought about meeting at her house, then going by train, or just meeting downtown... I will have to call her and see what she is thinking again. She also wants to wear our crowns again this year... ugh.. not so much fun if your the only two doing it..lol.. but is that not what Pride is all about, doing your own thing and not really giving a shit about what others think... Well, as I am cramping in all the wrong place right now as I write this, I am gonna say... TTFN!!! :-D Xochial

Happy Pride Weekend

So, here it is again. The one weekend a year that all gays are supposed to be nice and happy and get along. Well, if history has any truth, it probably wont be. It seems that someone always has to ruin it for the others. Well, this year, I have chosen to just go my own way this time around. I am not going to rely on anyone else to plan anything this time around. So, I am going to just do my own thing and have my own fun. I will write back later and let you know how it is going... TTFN, Xochial

Holy cow batman

Man, is it hot this weekend. Been at or near 90 all week along, and thank goodness I have AC, although I kind of feel guilty about those that dont have it. I have not done squat didelee do this weekend. And I am enoying it. I dont know if there is any amount of money that could get me out into this heat. So, as I sit in chilly bliss, I will let you go for now. TTFN!! Keep cool.

I so need to stop the Ambien

I just discovered that I had called work today while I was under the influence of Ambien, and I do not recall taking any more than two pills today, but when I woke up to get ready for work this evening, to my horror I discovered that I had taken about 4 pills total. I remember taking the first one, and then about two hours later, taking a second one cuz I was just not falling asleep, but I so do not recall taking number three or number four, and calling work, for what reason I have no clue yet, but found my name and number on the CID when I got to work tonight.. UGH!!! HOW EMBARRASSING??!! Well thank god that I only have three pills left and I wont be refilling that script again.

Anywho, just a typical day at the "office" ...

Hope you all have a safe and happy weekend and enjoy the weather while it lasts.

TTFN!!!

So, heres to another weekend gone

I have to say that sometimes I wish time did not fly by so quickly, ok, I feel that way all the time. Lately my time off seems to disappear before I have even had a chance to enjoy it. But I guess that is my own fault for not getting out of the house more often. But I will just have to get my act together. Will chat again later.

Another Day, another dollar

So, here we go again... after taking the last day off, I am back at it again, slaving over a hot laptop, and wishing I was home and in bed. So far, I have only been able to get a little of the house washing started, and that is after being here for three hours, what a slacker I am...lol.. anywho. It is almost the weekend, so I really don't care that much... will get my mopping done and that is about all that will get done tonight. Their all safe asleep and warm, well who isn't with the humidity that we're having tonight.. yuck, but enough weather. I really hate some of my co-workers, self serving asswipes that they are, thank god I don't really have to "work" with them.. I think I would have to kill them... not really, but figuratively. Some of them feel they are so much superior to everyone else and smug about it that it just makes me sick to look at them. Well, I s'pose I should let the house dog out, she is begging for attention... Ta Ta for now...

The Gay Agenda

I found this on another web site a few weeks back, not really sure where... but I thought it was pretty cool, so I am gonna post it here... The Declaration of Human Rights: When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for citizens who are deprived of their Rights because of their sexual orientation to claim their equality amongst the citizens of the United States of America, the equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the land of the free requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to such demand. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all heterosexual and homosexual men and women are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. Whenever any form of government discriminates against a minority group; it is the right of those who suffer from discrimination to refuse allegiance to government unjust laws and to insist to make their rights valid in every state and federal Constitution. Fear, indeed, will dictate that a government long established should not be changed to accommodate homosexual’s lifestyle; even though all experience hath shown that homosexuals have long suffered from injustice, discrimination, and crimes due to the unjust application of the due process of the law. But when a long train of discrimination and hate crimes evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism; it is their duty to fight against such discrimination and call for their rights of equality among citizens once and for all. Such has been the sufferance of the homosexuals under the government’s laws, and such is now the necessity which constrains them to demand the equal laws to which they are entitled. The History of the United States Government is a History of discrimination on the part of a homophobic conservative religious government toward homosexuals, having in direct object the denial of their Rights in any form of union. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid American Society. It has tried to pass a constitutional amendment in order to ban forever the rights of its people who are different from the majority. It has refused to grant homosexual couples the same social security benefits as heterosexual couples. It has imposed homosexuals who shared a health care to pay a federal income tax on the value of the insurance while heterosexuals do not have to pay any sort of taxation. It has imposed an unfair taxation and penalty up to seventy per cent when homosexual partners inherit a 401(k) from their deceased partners while heterosexual married people can deposit their deceased partner’s retirement fund into their Individual Retirement Account without paying taxes . It has forced homosexuals to pay estate tax when they inherit a property from their deceased partner while heterosexuals do not have to pay any sort of taxation. It has excluded homosexual partners from pension benefits after the death of their partners because they are not considered legal spouses. It has not permitted homosexual American citizens to petition for their partners to immigrate, which forced them to move abroad or live in fear of being deported. It has not permitted elderly homosexual couples to share their rooms in nursing homes and live their last days together because they are not considered legal couples. It did not protect homosexuals from hate crimes; crimes against sexual orientation were committed without being investigated as a hate crime. It has not helped to educate the community and to understand the issues surrounding the transgender community, in addition to the discrimination against the entire Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Bisexual Community. It has denied homosexual men or women’s right to serve in the army, to serve their country in a patriotic way. It made them resigned from a job in which they believed in and help to protect their country. It has not protected homosexual workers from employment discrimination. They cannot sue the employer in case of being fired for being homosexuals because they have no rights under the federal law or the Constitution. It has not considered homosexual couples to be a family and has denied their rights to adopt. It has asserted that the commitment of homosexuals did not promote the welfare of children and the stability of society even though homosexual “groups show positive results on the children while religious or conservative groups show negative effects” In every stage of this explicit discrimination toward 25 million people of this country, we have petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions and Actions have been denied without any consideration of the facts. We have reminded the government that homosexuality is not a disease which needs to be cured with a vaccine and medicine prescriptions. We are citizens of a same Nation and deserve the same rights as others. We do feel angry, oppressed, abandoned, and fraudulently deprived of our most sacred rights; we must be granted all of the rights and privileges which belonged to every heterosexual citizen of the United States of America. We, THEREFORE, the homosexual transgender bisexual people of America declare that we are FREE people and EQUAL citizens, and it is our right and duty to demand that these grievances be rectified in order to bring equality in the land of the Free. As equal citizens, we have the power and the right to demand the recognition of our couples as a valid union, an end to excessive taxation, and the equal protection of the citizens and their families.

So, this is a blog... well, who'd a thunk

I guess now is as good a time as any to express my intense fear of revealing my inner self. I guess it all goes back to the days of being a young person, when any emotion was viewed as wrong, and we were always taught to keep it all bottled up and inside because a proper person does not discuss feelings or emotions with anyone... not even the ones we love. We just repress it, and let it eat away at our souls. So, how does one go about relieving ones self of such a repressive nature? I have not yet figured that out, but I have been doing a lot of soul searching and medicating... legally of course...lol. So, I will try to maintain some modicum of self respect here and not become a weeping mass of used tissues. So, for now, this will comprise of my first entry into this bloggosphere.. Take care, Xochial